Alarm Clock

Just another school run…

So today I was awoken by the shit-shooting baby alarm. An adult sized dump presented in two separate loads across the floor of my one and half year old daughters room. The smell was horrific. She conveniently stopped crying as I entered the room. I hadn’t even had chance to open my eyes properly and yet my hand was already wrapped in a baby wipe, elbow deep in baby crap. There she was, standing before me with her cute smile and the words ‘Poo poos’ repeating over and over. She was mocking me. She knew what she had done. I couldn’t be angry with her though, and she knew it, she’s potty training and we’ve got the ‘wee wees’ down to a tee.

Hearing my distress as I muttered obscenities under my breath, my partner sleepily scattered in with some more baby wipes in hand. The carpet had only been laid a few weeks back, but to be honest it’s survived the kids for longer than I expected it to. A spray of Vanish should do the trick. As I lifted from my knees, I grabbed a wipe and wiped the arse of my shit covered baby. To add insult to injury, my twin daughters had awoken and ran into the room to say good morning. It certainly wasn’t a good morning, I wanted to go back to bed. My partner ran downstairs, grabbed a plastic bag from the kitchen drawer and came back up with it. I emptied my shit stained hand and tied a knot in the top. Babies are f***ing gross. I passed the bag back to my partner, although she wasn’t overly grateful, I’m not sure I’d ever seen her eyes roll so far into the back of head before.

I went downstairs with the baby in hand. As I switched on the living room light, I went to put the baby down. She wasn’t having it. I’d only been out of bed for ten minutes and the clinginess had already started. She seems to have the ability to bend her legs and turn them to jelly which makes it almost impossible for me to stand her up. She switches on the ‘Im the cutest thing in the world’ eyes and repeats ‘Cuggles’ until I lift her back into my arms. Not this time. I just layed her on her front. Yeah, she cried and screamed, but this morning I just didn’t have the patience. The twins were already getting on my tit too, they’d grabbed the remote and stuck on the music channels. If I’m honest, I’m normally the first to get up and dance with them, but certainly not this early in the morning. I left them all in the lounge whilst I retreated to the kitchen. My partner followed soon after.

‘I’ll make the breakfasts,’ she offered. I wasn’t going to turn her down. I stayed in the kitchen with her until the baby had stopped screaming. It didn’t take long, she’s clever, she tends to give up if she knows that it’s not getting her what she wants. I eventually open the kitchen door and walk back out and into the lounge. Looking at me with mischievous eyes, she struts on past repeating ‘Mummy cuggles’ as we both knew that my partner would fall to her every whim. Cheeky little brat, although, it kinda makes me proud that she’s sneaky enough to get one over on me.

As the twins began to tuck into their cereal, I took the opportunity to switch off the music. The baby, still nappy-less, sat on the potty uninstructed. I can’t say that I’m often proud of watching somebody piss, but this was certainly one of those unique moments. She got up to face her urine filled potty and clapped at her newly discovered skill. It was cute to watch until she decided to lean in for a closer look and touch it. I couldn’t help but grin at her grossness. I grabbed her and wiped her hand clean as she fought me, although she quickly slipped from my grip and wandered off into the kitchen to sit beside the girls. I left my partner to it and ran upstairs to make myself presentable.

Upon my return to the living room, things were seemingly going a little more smoothly. The twins were getting dressed and the baby was occupied with her turtle toy. I quickly snatched the potty and emptied it down the loo before she needed to use it again. As the piss poured out, I wasn’t quite prepared for the splashback. It had appeared that one of the twins had also used the toilet without flushing and so the two mixtures of yellow stained urine had now bounced its way out of the bowl and onto my newly put-on trousers. For f**k sake. I yelled at the girls to stop forgetting to flush the chain and realised it was almost time to get going. I took the coats from the hangers and handed them out. We were ready… finally.

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